[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!