I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
You Might Also Like
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
couldn’t resist
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts