Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
2022 be like
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.