What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.