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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u