You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
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It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.