My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You Might Also Like
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*