[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone