Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.