Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
😂💯
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.