For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
God has abandoned us.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*