My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife