My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣