[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Eat…
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer