*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.