“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I would like even faster food.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.