Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats