[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.