9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Meme Monday.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Breaking news:
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing