hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Brother?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-