Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Sign at work today
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now