My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined