My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
#oldknees
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!