Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me