I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me