8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
A dead goose is called a ghoost
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings