for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?