I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.