ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body