I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You Might Also Like
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench