All excellent questions
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What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
This fish is cracking me up
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”