My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
i smell a pulitzer
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Every work meeting this week
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.