My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
You Might Also Like
Still my favourite meme.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.