Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”