Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
me
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I think this cat is broken
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.