Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
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*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
<—- homeless romantic
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad