Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart