[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
motivation
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”