There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
What if the weather talks about us?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
A great tip. #CakeRex
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~