The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?