– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Cake safety first. Always.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?