Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies