Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.