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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”