Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
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roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
You know…for fall…
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
And that about sums it up.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.