“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
You have been warned.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.