[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?