Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Mood.. 😂
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.