[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
When your best mate counts as a desk too
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.