Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My background check bounced.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.